


i feel it deep within (it's just beneath the skin)

by Woahsos



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, anger issues, but like no violence, can someone say projection fic, idk man i was going through it, it's more frustration than anger i guess, probably?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-15 21:23:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28819944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Woahsos/pseuds/Woahsos
Summary: He’s pushed his face into the pillow, he’s turned on the loud music, he’s stood in front of his wall, but there was no impact, no scream, not even a few tears to let it out. It was only the anger crawling across his skin in waves, soaking into the bedsheets. It was stifling, pushing down on his chest until he could hardly breathe. And all his breaths felt harsh, bordering on growls.
Relationships: Calum Hood/Ashton Irwin
Comments: 11
Kudos: 21





	i feel it deep within (it's just beneath the skin)

Ashton’s been lying in bed since about 6:30, much too early for him to try to sleep, but being anywhere else in the house feels like too big a task.

A few times, he’s gotten restless and made his way to the kitchen, going through a few cups of applesauce to cool him down and then going through an entire bag of chips because he got too lost in thought to stop. But it hadn’t done anything to his mood, and he made his way back to their bedroom in a haze.

There’s something crawling under his arms, staticy and heavy. His legs feel completely detached from the rest of his body and his jaw aches with how hard he’s been clenching it. His head is full of so much bitterness, so much frustration at nothing and everything all at once. Nothing had happened to push him into his head like this. He had just gotten tired, crawled into bed, and the anger settled over him like the most suffocating blanket; he’s attempted to distract himself by looking through his phone, but everything he comes across makes him want to scream. 

People just living their lives, minding their business, have sent him into a spiral of self-loathing and cynical judgement. He feels like the biggest asshole in the world, but that hasn’t stopped the anger from building in his chest.

Nothing was stopping it.

He’s pushed his face into the pillow, he’s turned on the loud music, he’s stood in front of his wall, but there was no impact, no scream, not even a few tears to let it out. It was only the anger crawling across his skin in waves, soaking into the bedsheets. It was stifling, pushing down on his chest until he could hardly breathe. And all his breaths felt harsh, bordering on growls. 

Calum finds him like that a few hours later, lying on his side in the dark, trying and failing to take deep breaths. 

He enters the room all cheerful and smiles, but it dims when he lays his eyes on Ashton, hand hovering near the lightswitch. Ashton looks away quickly, ashamed to be seen like this, even if Calum’s seen him this way for the past how many nights in a row. It’s just ongoing, neverending pain and humiliation at his mind’s inability to keep an internal peace. He can feel his face twist into something ugly at the thought, the face of a monster. How fitting. Weak tears push at the backs of his eyes, and the exhale he releases is a growl this time.

“Ash?” Calum whispers. The floorboards creak under his weight as he makes his way towards the bed. The softness of his voice grates at Ashton’s nerves and echoes in his head, mocking and cruel. _ Look at how calm I am, why can’t you do that? _

He doesn’t answer; he can’t. He can’t even really open his mouth, afraid of what’ll come out. His temples ache with the tension settled there, and he clutches at his arms, digs in his nails, to release something, to distract him from the fiery fuzz growing in his chest. 

The bed dips near Ashton’s legs. “What’s up?”

“I don’t know,” Ashton sighs, the first words he’s spoken in hours. He keeps his voice low, lest it get completely out of his control. Like everything else around him.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” 

He reaches a hand out to brush some hair off Ashton’s forehead, but he jerks away the second their skin makes contact. “Fuck-  _ I don’t know! _ ”

He opens his eyes at exactly the wrong moment, witnesses Calum recoil, pull away his hand and cradle it to his chest as if Ashton’s physically hurt him. It tugs at Ashton’s heart, opening it and pouring self-hatred into his stomach. 

Pressing his palms to his eyes, Ashton’s desperate to push the emotions deeper into him until they shrivel away completely. But his hands curl into fists and he tugs at his hair, maybe hoping to rip some of it out just so he can feel something other than frustration. 

“Okay,” Calum says, a little bit louder this time. A little more solid. It doesn’t really make Ashton feel better, but it also doesn’t make him feel worse. “Do you just wanna let it out?”

“What do you mean?” Ashton hates how flat, how bitchy, his voice sounds. There’s part of his brain screaming at him to stop being a dick to Calum, that Calum doesn’t deserve it, Calum’s safe, the one thing he loves more than anything. He’d turn the world over to keep Calum safe and happy, and here he is being the one thing he tries to protect Calum from. 

“Get it out. Yell at me, tell me everything that’s bothering you. Let it out into the world instead of keeping it in your head.”

Ashton considers; it’s all on the tip of his tongue. And then it’s shooting out. “Fuck, it’s just. The world sucks. There are so many shitty people, like outright shitty, and then the subtly shitty people who just don’t care about anyone else. And, fuck, everyone seems so fucking happy, and people thrive on their happiness and it’s all such fucking  _ bullshit! _ ”

He goes and goes, getting louder and louder about the unfairness of the world, the bullshit of it all. Of coming from a family of fire that forged him to be just like that, to assume the worst and to never trust, to scoff at other’s success, to keep to himself and never get hurt. Of how tiring it all is to live like this, to try so hard to be happy and kind when all he wants to do is hate without reason. At some point, he registers that his cheeks are damp and his nails are biting into the heels of his palms. And, at another point, he runs out of words and takes in his first deep breath.

The room is ringing with the sudden silence. 

He pries open his eyes without realizing that he ever closed them. Calum’s still sitting at the edge of the bed, hands paused on the comforter, their direction pointing in Ashton’s direction. His eyes are brimmed with tears, but there’s no other indication of how he feels. Ashton wants to cry again. 

_ That’s it _ , his mind supplies,  _ you’ve scared him off. You’ve revealed yourself as the monster you are and now he hates you. He’s seen the hate that resides in you and wants nothing to do with it. And who would? You’re better on your own anyways, everyone else wouldn’t- _

“Oh, Ash,” Calum finally says. And he looks sad. Not scared or disgusted. He just looks sad and pained, like Ashton’s hurt is his hurt. “You try so hard every day to be positive. It’s tiring, isn’t it?”

He nods, and the urge to cry makes him feel like a child. His face crumples as he shudders out, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry,” Calum says, offended almost, and pulls Ashton up against him, holding him so hard it hurts a bit. But it’s exactly what he needs. He clutches at Calum’s shirt and screams into his chest, screams and screams and cries a little and tears at Calum’s shirt. “Let it out. Let it out, you got it. You’re good, everything’s good.”

It feels like an hour’s passed by the time Ashton’s able to calm down and peel himself away from Calum. “Thank you,” He whispers, smoothing his hand down the chest in front of him. 

“We’re gonna get you help. You know you need it.” Calum says. It’s firm, bordering on demanding, and it’s exactly what Ashton needs. He needs the tough love, for someone to point out that his walls are doing more damage than they are good. Being cold and bitter doesn’t work for everyone, doesn’t keep him safe like he was raised to believe. “I love you.”

The confession almost makes him cry again, despite the fact that he hears it multiple times every day. But it’s come after Ashton’s shown himself, in all his ugliness and hatred of the world around him. Calum still loves him. Maybe he sees that it’s not actually Ashton, that Ashton doesn’t want to feel those things. Maybe, hopefully, he sees Ashton in a better light than Ashton sees himself, as a better person. God, he  _ needs  _ someone to believe he’s better than he is. Because he can’t believe it himself, not yet.

“I love you too,” He says, the calmest thing he’s said all day.

Calum crawls up next to him, pulls the covers over them both. It’s warm from Ashton’s body heat, but not a suffocating warmth that makes him feel like he’ll catch fire any second. Instead, it’s comforting and familiar. The kind of warmth he’d rather feel every night. 

A feather of a kiss is pressed to his temple, easing the tension and finally draining him, burning out the last of the sparks inside of him. 

**Author's Note:**

> uhhh, yikes? i was going through it last night, this is the only way i know to get it out. find me on [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/escapesos) if you'd like
> 
> title taken from "monster" by skillet


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